Travels with Pam

Oh, Peter and Kelly don’t know what they’re in for, road tripping with me. Sure, Kelly thinks she has some insight after that field trip we made to Alpacapalooza, but that’s only a tiny slice of this annoying, glacially slow, talks with strangers one-third of the TBEX crew. In the interest of full disclosure, here’s a partial list of the reasons it sucks to travel with me.

1. SHOTGUN! No, really. I get car sick driving around the block. I’m fine on the long straights — plains states here we come! — but for those winding mountain routes, you’ll find me firmly anchored in the middle of the back seat so I can see, pleading for the front passenger seat, or begging to drive. No, I can’t read the map while we’re driving. And don’t get me started on boats. God, I hate boats.
2. STOP THE CAR! Luckily, that rarely has anything to do with the first item on the list, because after all, I poached the front seat.  Nope, it’s my camera happy eyeballs, seeing the perfect light on a falling down shed at a bend in the road. Or, well, who knows what it is, sometimes I have to get out and walk along the shoulder of the highway to take some snaps of something I thought I saw. Sometimes it’s nothing. It’s a real time eater.
3. COFFEE. NOW! Just this week, my doc told me that I had to give up the evil bean. I’ve made the switch to black tea, and so far, utter misery, but there you go. Caffeine, along with sunshine, is what makes me go. I’m trying to manage that, but if past history is any evidence of future performance, there’s a ten and a two in there somewhere, and I’m not talking hands on the steering wheel.
4. ARE YOU READY YET? I’m an obscenely early riser. Always have been. True story. My husband and I were camping in Australia. We were somewhere up north of Brisbane, maybe it was Rainbow Beach. The sun was up, we rolled up our gear and headed into town to get coffee. (See item 3 above.) The coffee shop was open, they were getting ready for the day, but they wouldn’t serve us. Why not? It was 5:30 in the morning. They didn’t open for another hour and a half. No kidding. We had NO idea. We were ready to go, why wasn’t everyone else?
5. CAN I GO TO BED NOW? When you’re up at 5, the day is half over before most people have tucked into their lunch. This means that by the time 8pm rolls around, you’re eying your bedroll and your jammies, thinking there’s nothing you’d like better than to pretend you’re reading your book while drifting off. This means I miss out on a lot of night life. I’m okay with that, plus, hey, it means I can secure the camp while Peter and Kelly head in to town to check out that country bar. Well, as secure as it can be when “watched” by someone who’s sleeping.
6. I’M NOT A REAL VEGITARIAN, BUT… I’m not a meat eater. Four legged critters, you go ahead and enjoy them, I won’t badger you with politics because for me, it’s a matter of taste. I just don’t like the stuff. When we crash your BBq, I’ll be the one with the plate piled with mac salad. In camp, however, I’m just not signing up for spaghetti bolognese. Bleh.
7. ARE YOU DONE TALKING TO THAT GUY YET? When I crested 35, I became a magnet for gentlemen of a certain age, the talky kind. I figure some old guy gets chatty with you, you ought to listen. This can take an awfully long time to get away from gracefully.
8. LET’S DRIVE THE EXTRA X MILES INTO TOWN: I have no equation for what makes this the right choice, but I always think it’s a better idea to find the maybe abandoned downtown than it is to stop at the GASFOODLODGING junction. I’m wrong, a lot of the time. It costs more, it’s often disappointing — though not always — and it takes longer. It’s my personal crusade to save downtown and I am failing miserably. Last time I did this, we discovered that the turn of the century soda fountain was boarded up and there was nothing to eat for miles and miles.
9. I HATE THE FOLLOWING THINGS that are associated with road trips: Pitching a wet tent, paying  for parking, loud music from the next campsite, damp, cold, mildewy shower stalls with decaying plastic curtains that you can not keep off your skin, conservative talk radio, Danish bakeries that are twee and cute but have mediocre baking and worse coffee, powdered creamer, internet service that’s slower than dial-up, tent sites that back up onto the highway, generators, people who do not observe bear saftely rules, iceberg lettuce and cherry tomato salad with thousand island dressing, fancy mountain towns that are more like the mall than anything else (Banff, Jackson Hole) uh, I’m sure there’s more, but that will do for now.
10. I PLAY THE UKULELE. It’s no joke, I really do play the uke. But tragically, I have stage fright so when you ask me to play something, I’ll get all jittery. You gotta sing with me, then it’s okay. I don’t sing well, not really, and I’m not much more than a strummer. Most likely I’ll be plinking along on some campground bench, just loud enough to be annoying, not really loud enough for you to click in on what I’m playing. It’s going to drive you crazy. Enjoy.

It’s going to be an awesome trip. Too late, guys, I’m in!